Tuesday, December 25, 2012


I don't know what i will do now
Now that you are gone,
This house feels so alone
How will i keep my mother strong ?

She loves you in such countless ways
Kept you away from any harm,
Treated you like her little baby
Even when you were all grown.

We fought so much
So much wrong things i said to you,
I don't know why i am not brave enough
To bow my head down and apologize right to you.

Please don't feel i won't miss you
because i already am,
Don't trust my expressions
because my tears are blocking my imagination.

I can't stop crying
thinking how am i going to survive without you
Those stupid fights
And those little things i brought just to fix things through.

Who is going to fix my computer,
Bhai ?
I will have no one to call to,
Who will understand my dreams
and make ammi abbu understand to

Ammi is going to miss you so much
I can't be her favorite,
I can't be what you are to her
and things you said to make her day.

Words can't explain how empty this house is
Who is going to complain about ammi's food ?
But you will still have it
When mom said "aao apne haat se khila du".

I know you are out there
To fulfill your dreams
And to fulfill mine,
Believe in yourself
because i am telling you
You're God's one amazing design.

I will try my best to keep ammi and abbu happy
But i won't be able to do what you did,
There is a reason they looked after you so much
Because you have a spectacular and magnificent gift.

Stay strong
and believe,
If someone cause you problem
I will come right down there and break his teeth.
You can count on me now
i will try my best

You have our duas

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

No More.

I missed opportunities i will never get again, not because i wanted to but because i was lied to countless number of times.Somewhere the mistake stays mine, i grew up with a burning passion to fulfill my dreams and live the way i wanted to but how do i when your parents lie to you and basically doesn't give even a little importance to it.How do i when they pretend they care and make promises to just leave me when it is time to fulfill them ?

This passion of music, photography, writing and studying in a really good college were the only thing i wanted and loved the most after Allah and my parents.I lived my dreams in my dreams at night and sometimes daydreaming brought such immense satisfaction in me that nothing in the world ever can.I never wanted a car, or a motorbike or fancy cellphones or anything as such but life is quite the opposite i guess.Never even had a normal life or family, just a dysfunctional living through the day and helping my parents to just avoid fight and when they do i found myself in the crossfire and when it all ended i realized i have an exam tomorrow.What should i had done then ?
Leave them be just to hurt each other or could had left to concentrate on my studies ?
I couldn't opt for the latter because no matter what family is something much more important.Spent 8 years trying to solve their fights while my brother was their acting as a catalyst and provoking the fire with his tongue.Constant false promises finally ended my desire to study.I am at fault here to be honest because i relied on them a lot but what can a guy do when he is too occupied with fights almost all the years when he was supposed to work on his dreams and the funny thing is, i still am stuck there and when i played my part they always ditched me, left me with a broken dream and unfulfilled promise.
Music ?
Well that became a joke.Passion lost at its best and that is all i can say.Musicians Institute, California, application sent, got an audition and still i am here sitting here typing this down in this God forsaken house.
Photography, well to be honest i thank Allah for the gift he gave me in photography.Of course everything comes raw and you have to polish it but it also requires a lot of other factors in it like FREEDOM, TIME, and last but not least a CAMERA.I was 17 when i won few competitions in school and at state level but i guess that wasn't enough satisfaction for them.Now here i am 21 lost the eye for photography and the touch because promises made several times and not kept.
I have so much to say for once, so much held inside but can't find the right words to express.I am just living for one person now, Adrishi.I don't love her and that is the truth which she also knows but she loves me and that is more than enough for me to stick around with her.Honestly it is not pleasant always but i guess i have to, she deserves it plus i know her she is pretty suicidal when it comes to me.I've lost everything i always wanted, i don't want someone to feel the same.I know dreams and a person are a whole different thing but what if that is what you always wanted, you knew you could spend your whole life just living your dream ?
I am just a really really sad person filled with countless grief inside my heart trying to make a person happy but i guess i am failing at that as well.So many complaints and not being able to fulfill her expectations and countless compromises.I know my problem is not the worst, there are people who go through much more and telling myself that is how i get through the day, every single day.
I can't write anymore poems or stories because it all is just gone.So much worries, troubles and sadness has taken over me and no one can do a thing about it.Basically i am a cat who is crying over a spilt milk, which i will never ever get back again in my life.I feel so tired, so tired, waking everyday for no reason.

When i thought all is gone and lost and cannot be taken back lets just live through the day somehow, being with friends, hanging out, buying and doing small things for myself to stay away from reality,GOD disapproved me of it as well.Now my parents don't want that to happen with me as well.December month, this was the only time i could have gone out with my best friend to Delhi where we always wanted to go together since the start of our friendship.He will be leaving for his higher studies in the coming few months and i will be busy with my exams to get the degree my parents only want and basically after that we won't be able to meet for a really long time let alone going to a place we always wanted together and then comes my god damned internship and his job.Life requires logic to be lived in properly with a pinch of reality and this is what is mine.

I won't mind if i wake up dead tomorrow and don't live through the day.
Call me a person who complains a lot and whatsoever but in this misery trying to make others happy and making their problems go away, leaving friends is not a proper life for a guy who always lived with a burning passion for his dreams.

I thought i will feel good after typing all this but not even close, not even remotely close.
Who was i kidding ?
All of this won't change my reality.

I will live somehow thinking this is not the worst, it is yet to come and some are living it.